A note for my mama

The last three years or so, there have been a lot of changes in my life.  Some good, some bad, all resulting in a learning experience.  One thing I have learned, is that I unequivocally, irrevocably, undeniably love my mother.

When I was little, I was unable to realize how much I loved her, because I was little, and young children are not cognizant of such things.  When I was a teenager, I was unable to appreciate her and all that she had sacrificed and done for me, both because I was selfish, and because I had the dark, ominous cloud of depression looming over my head.

As an adult, I am able to look back on the photos, home movies, and the memories that reside within me, and feel regret and remorse.  But more importantly, I am able to look back and realize that I am lucky to be able to feel regret and remorse, because I can acknowledge that my mother loved me throughout it all anyway.

My mother has raised five very special, very different children.  Many of us are/were special needs.  It takes an extremely special person to adopt five children, raise them on her own, and come out ultimately successful.

I am often told what wonderful manners I have, and how helpful I am to people.  I didn’t get that way on my own.  My mama taught me.  I am told I am a good person, and have strong morals and a good moral center.  I didn’t get that way on my own.  My mama taught me.

I wish there were enough words to denote how strong and courageous I believe my mother to be.  I wish I could understand some of her struggles better than I do.  I hope that I am as good a person as she raised me to be, and that she is proud of me, even if my life didn’t turn out as planned.

I wish I could spend the holidays with my family, as I miss them very much. For all the strife and broken hearts and shattered dreams that have been experienced the last couple of years, I have definitely come to learn that one is never too old to love, miss, and need their mama.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz

~ by ClassicalSpazz on December 17, 2012.