Mother’s Day

I had a unique childhood.  I grew up in Wisconsin, adopted by a wonderful single parent (mother) when I was 3 weeks of age, and she was 38.  I ended up with a grand total of 4 siblings, two brothers and two sisters.

My brother, Andy, was a schizophrenic.  I was frequently his target of hatred.  He said I breathed too loud (I have asthma), and that I “smacked” my food.  Of course, on his good days, such things were not an issue.  On his bad days, and there were many, at best I was a target of verbal abuse.  At worst, he’d try to physically harm me.  And I’m not talking an angry brotherly punch in the arm, I mean trying to stab me with scissors or smothering me with a pillow.

That said, now that I am grown and able to understand his illness, it does need to be made clear that my brother was SICK, not a bad person.

It also needs to be said that my mother is a brave, selfless, kind, loving, deeply devoted person.

I harbored a lot of anger when I was young, especially in my teenage years.  I felt ignored and insignificant.  Everything was about Andy.  What Andy needed, what Andy wanted, what was best for Andy.  It is a very hard thing to feel so small, but to also be unable to properly articulate those feelings.  I didn’t understand the feelings then, I only knew I was angry.  I wasn’t a particularly good daughter in my teens either…I was still angry.  Still didn’t understand why, but I was.

I hope my mother knows she did a good job.  A superb job.  No child is flawless, but a child’s flaws are not only brought on by their parents.  That is just nature.

Indeed, I do value my mother very much, and I only wish that the clarity of being able to reach that acknowledgement had been obtainable to me at a much younger age.

I love you mum.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on May 4, 2013.

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