Alone

I have not blogged at all in the last month.  I have had nothing of note to share.  Nothing has changed.  I still fall, I am still tired, I still have no answers.

I am angry and I am anxious.  I feel guilty for having feelings at all.  I often wonder how long I will live, not because I will kill myself, but because I feel that at some point, my Tourette’s will kill me, accidental though it may be.

I wake up in the middle of the night, but I am paralyzed.  It takes a few seconds for me to be able to move or breathe.  Do you know what that feels like?  What it is to wake and have no breath?  To try to breathe and have your body fail to respond?

It is utterly terrifying.  And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I am told that there is nothing neurologically wrong with me, and all I can think is that the doctors are unequivocally irrevocably wrong.  People don’t just fall for no reason.  And I wouldn’t sacrifice the use of my legs just for a scrap of attention.

Strauss is retiring next year.  He is my legs.  Mahler is not suitable for service.  He needs a place he can be somebody’s best friend.  I need a dog I can bond with and trust like I trust Mouse.

I feel like I’ll never have that again, and I should just give in, and get a wheelchair.

I am anxious, and stagnant.  I feel exhausted, and broken.  I feel guilty for a reason I can’t quite discern.  I am upset that still, after all this time, I am left with no more knowledge than I had a year ago.

I feel emotionally crippled.

I feel very, very alone.

Flail on,
 – Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on March 28, 2013.

2 Responses to “Alone”

  1. Hugs

  2. Never give up hope. Try one doctor after another until some one HEARS YOU.

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