Crash and Burn

I don’t feel I’ve had much to write about lately.  Same old same old.  I’ve been exceptionally tired, and crabby (sex would be nice, but still not really possible….makes me damn pissy).  I would really love to wax philosophical, but I can’t.  it super blows actually, as I’d love to be in my “British state of mind” (as I like to call it).  I feel that’s when I do my best writing.

I fall a lot these days, and I do mean a lot.  It has gone from being maybe a weekly thing to a daily thing.  Now, I do stumble frequently, but I generally catch myself.  I don’t call it a fall unless my knees or my ass hit the floor.  My legs are wicked sexy because I have to catch myself so often 😉  But….I do legitimately fall on a daily basis now, and I dislike it.

I haven’t talked about it because I really haven’t hit the level of acceptance necessary yet to admit that I am still deteriorating.  The most frustrating part is that I’m not falling apart on a physical level.  It’s all neurologically.  Physically speaking, I can still lift 90 pound animals.  I am not weak in musculature.  The fact of the matter is that I just don’t do it often now because at any moment my brain can go “AH HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA BITCH!  DARKIE GOIN’ DOWN!” and I could collapse in a heap with a 90 pound animal on top of me.

That would not end well.

With Mahler washing out of service (and he will not be going anywhere), I must find a new candidate for work.  This means that some way, some how, I must raise money for a new candidate.  I have asked nobody because it largely hurts my pride.  This may not be the time to be prideful, but I feel that it is all I have left (in terms of maintaining my own self worth).

I like to go out, but have noticed that I ask to do things that involve sitting down (watching movies, going to a restaurant, riding bikes).  I do not like to fall in front of people.  It isn’t the fall that is my issue, honestly.  Rather, it is the massive rush of people that want to come help me get up.  While I appreciate the care, it’s embarrassing.  I’m a grown woman.  Unless I am crying because I’m seriously injured, I want to get up on my own (particularly if Strauss is with me…that’s his job).

I guess the whole point of this post is that I’m still alive, not much going on aside from the fact that I fall more now.

Flail on,
 – Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on February 5, 2013.

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