Happy New Year

Hello loyal readers.

I am sure you noticed that I largely took the month of December off, and didn’t even post on Christmas or New Year’s Eve.  This is not because I have been terribly busy, but rather because I was stuck in a pit of misery, and had nothing positive to say at all.  My last few blog posts have been heavily negative, and I worked very hard over the last year to be a bit more positive.

I do not want Twitch and Shout to become another cesspool of my anger and hurt.  That is not to say that there will never be negative posts here.  There will be.  But I want to try and keep things as positive as possible.

I am going through a very stressful time right now, as it is really very likely that Mahler will be washing out of service work.  While he will not leave my home, and will become a happy sport dog for my husband and I, it puts me in an extremely tight bind, as I do need a successor for Mousedog.

I will say that I had a major breakdown over the revelation that Mahler is not right for service work.  It happened for many reasons.  I felt like a failure.  I felt worthless.  I felt…empty.  I struggle every single day with my self esteem and self worth.  I feel that I have disappointed my mother, as my life has not turned out as either of us planned.  I struggle with feeling that my in-laws may feel I have ruined their son’s life, though we love each other very much.  I get very upset because I often feel I let my husband down with my limitations.

My case for disability is currently in review.  I am hoping that this means I will have a hearing no later than summer, and I will receive back pay.  It would take a huge weight off my shoulders in terms of finances.

I have applied to be in a clinical study for those diagnosed with Tourette’s.  I am waiting to hear back, and am hopeful I will be accepted.

I would like to end this post with a few thoughts.

There is no such thing as having a good day every day of your life.  Especially when you have a disability.  Sometimes every day is not a gift.  Sometimes it is a painful, disgusting, sickening struggle.  Try and cherish the good days.  The days when you have minimal pain, or your limp isn’t noticeable.  The days that you can turn your head and wave at somebody, or complete a task that is hard for you.

On the days you feel worthless, hug your dog, your cat, a friend, a family member.  If you don’t have any of those things, remember that your life is not empty.  Stand in front of the mirror, put a hand on the glass, and you tell yourself that you are worth something.  That your eyes, your laugh, your smile, are all things that belong to you.  That your self worth is based on exactly that.  YOURSELF.  Not the things you own or the people you know.

On days you feel ugly, look at your old wounds, inside and out, and remind yourself that it is only an ugly day, not an ugly life.  Acknowledge that the next day could be ugly too, but that it could also be beautiful, and that beautiful day will be worth more than all the ugly ones.

On days you feel like giving up, go ahead and give up for a couple of hours.  Realize that even though you fight, sometimes you lose a battle.  A battle is not the whole war.  Sit down, scream, cry, throw things, write profanity all over your damn walls in permanent marker if you want to.  And then, when you feel better, grab a can of paint and a paintbrush, and put a fresh coat on your walls.  Remember that those feelings are not buried, but rather that you’ve put up a fresh canvas for new feelings, and you may paint on that canvas again, whether those feelings are positive or negative.

Know that even if you feel you have no one else in the world to love you, that YOU have you to love.  It will often times feel an empty gesture, but go ahead and give yourself a hug, and then find somebody else to hug or help.  There is always somebody that needs help or a hug.

These are hard things to do.  They are new rules I have, and even I frequently find them asinine.  It’s ok to feel that way.  Try them after you’ve moved past feeling they’re stupid.

Have a happy new year.

Flail on,
 – Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on January 4, 2013.

One Response to “Happy New Year”

  1. I love your new “rules”…words to live by! ❤

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