“Can’t” and “Won’t” are two different things

My posts as of late have been pretty negative.  My instinct is to apologize for it.  I apologize way too much for shit, so I’m not going to.  The past few weeks I’ve been angry, so I guess that’s just how I’m supposed to feel right now.

I have touched on this before, but it would seem it’s time for this post to be made again.  “Can’t” and “won’t” are not the same thing.  When I tell you that I physically cannot do something, that is not me making an excuse.  That is me attempting to tell you, politely, that doing what you are suggesting or asking could cause me serious injury.

The body is made of of sinew, tissue, muscle, bone.  Every single bit of it is connected.  If one part of me hurts, it affects another part of me.  When I have had such a bad day of facial tics that I cannot turn my head, it means that I cannot throw a ball.  The muscles are extremely strained.  Lifting my arm is painful.  There is no way throwing a ball for the dogs is going to happen, because the muscles of the arm are connected to the muscles in the neck, and it is not possible  to hold your head still when you’re chucking an object.

And then there is the matter of picking the ball up.  Being unable to turn my head also means vertical range of motion is severely compromised.  Driving is obviously not an option.  I could kill somebody.  No free running in the field.

When I was younger, I was an avid soccer player.  No more.  My ankles are fucked up from several sprains and tears.  It often locks up just when I’m walking, and rectifying that problem sometimes takes almost a day.  It is exceedingly painful and further limits my mobility because I cannot put pressure on my foot.  In other words, I really do not kick balls anymore.  I can’t afford the injury.

My husband and I are not rich people.  We have the money to care for our animals properly.  We currently do not have disposable income for automatic ball throwers.  I am scouring craigslist for a treadmill (which would make me feel much better about exercising the dogs).  It sucks, but that’s how it is.

And though I mentioned it in a previous post, I need to bring up my pelvis again, to really try and get you out there to understand what I experienced last week.

Every time I go to sleep, I am doing SOMETHING that throws my hips and pelvis out of alignment.  I am unaware of what I am doing.  I don’t wake up when I do it (though I do wake up frequently in the night in general).  I only know it has occurred because I wake up in pain.

My pelvis ends up not only tipped up higher on one side, but it rotates so severely that tendons basically get caught on the bone.  I end up standing completely lopsided, I hobble along with a limp, sitting down results in yelping like a wounded dog, and I am unable to even toe off my own shoes.

I wish I had a humorous quip for what I just wrote above, but all I can tell you is that it is a horrendously painful experience I wouldn’t wish on anybody.  There is no “playing through the pain”.  And I get it, lots of other people have pain, too.  But they are not me and I am not them.  Their pain thresholds may be entirely different.  And sometimes…sometimes playing through the pain is fucking STUPID and you’re going to severely injure yourself.

I won’t do it.

People with physical limitations like mine find a way to make do how they can.  I make do how I can.  I also know my limitations, and will sure as hell not put my health at risk to appear a better dog owner to people.  Sometimes dogs just do shit that is annoying as fuck, and it gets complained about, even though the owner is aware that is not the fault of the dog.  Hello humanity.

Overall I have had a pretty good week pain wise, and so my Pup Pup has been out and about with me, doing some public access work, cleaning up some of the commands we were having issues with, and getting more exercise.

He has been amazing.

If I had tried to handle that puppy on Thursday, I could have been severely injured, just from him being a normal, exuberant puppy.  The puppy got entertained by Kongs and Jolly Balls that day.

This is the Catch 22 of needing a service dog and raising your own service dog.  Sacrifices have to be made because the health of the handler is not 100%

If you have a problem with me telling you I cannot do something, then we have an issue, because I am no longer doing the back bending I used to do for the sake of keeping up appearances.

Can’t means “The likelihood of serious injury is high, this is absolutely not feasible”.

Accept it.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz


~ by ClassicalSpazz on November 8, 2012.

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