To the friends that I’ve been missing

I am sorry that I have been gone.  Things have not been going well.  I am not sleeping, my eating has gone back to being erratic, and not terribly healthy, and I am in a lot of pain, physically and emotionally.  I do not have the energy to do much.

I have spent the last year trying to improve my life by being more positive, and for awhile, it worked.  However, the last few months have been unforgiving, and I am tired of being so tired all the time, telling myself things will get better.  They have only gotten worse.

Today I got to take an emergency trip to my physical therapist, because I could barely walk.  I was unable to stand up straight, and had a very noticeable limp on my right side.  I went in to see the therapist, and when she went to measure my pelvis, it hurt so badly, I cried.

You have no idea how much I hate crying in front of doctors.  You have no idea how incredibly stoic I am about a lot of my pain.

There was no avoiding crying today.

My pelvis was severely rotated, and my hips were out of position due to one side being higher than the other.  It took an hour and twenty minutes to get me back to somewhat normal.  I am VERY grateful that my PT was able to see me on such short notice, and that she was able to help.  I WAS able to walk out of the clinic standing straight up, and with minimal pain (for me).

That said, while I am still walking around the house, and my pain has decreased overall since the appointment, it has increased since coming home.  I am tired, frustrated, crabby, and depressed.  I am worried about even being able to continue to show my dogs.

I am also being faced with the decision of whether or not to place my Butter Bean, and I feel like I’m dying inside.  I LOVE my Mahler.  Y’all don’t even know.  But it is becoming painfully evident that he is probably not suited for service work.

At 9 months old, we still do not have “Go kennel!” down.  He needs more exercise than I am physically able to provide.  My limitations, coupled with the bad weather, have really hindered our progress.  He wants to be busy all the time….he can’t be busy all the time.  As a service dog, he’ll have to do a lot of lying down and just waiting.  Something he does not enjoy doing.

And, while I know this pisses people off to hear, he is not a smart dog.  Sorry, but he’s not.  Not every dog can be a genius, and just because he is a working line dog does not automatically mean he is the best thing since sliced bread and is suited for absolutely any job put before him.

The kennel he came from is a kennel I respected for a long time.  I waited literally years for this puppy.  The thought of placing him sickens me.  That said, things change, priorities change, and people change.

There is more I want to say, and more I should say, and one of those things is that I am tired of being lectured and lied to.  I am really sick and tired of people making excuses for the kennel, and even MORE sick and tired of people telling me “Well, I wouldn’t have gotten a dog from there!”

Really?  GOOD FOR YOU!  I made a choice I felt was the right choice at the time.  Mahler is my first foray into working lines, and I will readily admit that I am NOT the convert that people told me I would be.  I am not pleased that he dug up my yard (even after being rigorously exercised), or has eaten my deck, my porch, and some of my blinds.

I am not a fan of the intensity displayed, which is the OPPOSITE of what I needed.  But hey, that’s ok, because it’s a working line, and they are TOTALLY awesome for ANYTHING you want to do!  I am NOT a fan of being so intensely focused on finding ANY morsel of food on the floor, the dog is deaf to being told to just go to his effing kennel to eat and take a damn break.

And most of all, I am not a fan of being taken advantage of and used, which has happened on more than one occasion this year.  And it’s my fault, because I am too fucking NICE!  I want to give everybody the benefit of the doubt, and treat everybody kindly.  You know why?  Because I was treated like CRAP as a little girl, and I know what it feels like to be down on your luck, and excluded, and hurting.

The result of my being nice was basically being told that I’m a loser, that I’M the one with the problem, and losing a litter of puppies I loved and had been looking forward to raising for MONTHS….because of money.  And it doesn’t matter that I didn’t OWN the puppies.  The point is not ownership.  The point is the amount of time, love, and care I put into each one of those puppies.

I sat with them for HOURS every day.  I weighed them, watched them, HELD them, started learning personalities.  I know their birth order, I know who was the heaviest boy and heaviest girl.  I know who opened their eyes first, and who was the first to lick my nose.  I know that there is one very special puppy that I adored and lost my heart to, the moment I saw her, and I don’t know why.

I know that I’ve been told I need to just get over it and move on, but there has been no moving on, because I can’t.  Because I lost something precious and incredibly important to me, and I know they are looked at as dollar signs and not precious individuals.

I miss my friends.  I miss having a social life.  I miss not being in pain.  I don’t even remember what it’s like anymore to not have pain.

I am in a very angry place, and I am trying to crawl out of it, but it is going to take a lot of time.  I do not have time for the lectures, or the shit, or the “it will get better!” junk.  I do not have the will to hear it anymore.  I do not have the heart left in me to hear the bullshit about how I’m the one in the wrong with my feelings.

I’m not doing it.

I am sorry I have not been around.  I am just.  Too. Tired.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on November 2, 2012.

8 Responses to “To the friends that I’ve been missing”

  1. This may not be a welcome opinion, but I think you should cut Mahler a little slack. He is still a baby and he is just start to go into the crazy hormonal phase that dumb boy dogs go through. Try to remember what Strauss was like at Mahler’s age. Surely he wasn’t perfect. And he must have been a bit too wild for his own good at least sometimes! I know every dog is different so it may not have been exactly the same, but just give him some time.

    As for the lack of exercise, I wondered if it might be tough for you to meet the exercise/stimulation needs of a working line GSD. Do you have a treadmill or anything you could use for him inside if you aren’t mobile enough to get him out to exercise? I’m not sure how long puppies can go on treadmills, but even if for short periods it could be a decent outlet for his energy. I know it’s not a total solution though because he needs sights, smells, etc to stimulate him rather than only burning off physical energy, but it could help some.

  2. I ead thinking about your comments about the pain. Have you ever tried acupuncture, reiki, or Tai chi? All of these have scientifically been proven to assist with decreasing pain

  3. I’m trying to locate a treadmill, so I can work ALL the dogs when I can’t go out with them.

    The worst thing Strauss ever did was chew up my steering wheel in my old Corolla when he was about 6 months old, and the damage was not extensive. He did not dig or chew up numerous things. Strauss was an easy puppy (that is not to say be became an easy adult).

    I do have someone that is going to help me with him, and see if we can get him on track to where he needs to be. My relationship with the dog *in general* is not bad. I sit with him, hug him, love him, we play fetch. It is my *working* relationship with the dog that is not good at present.

    Leslie, while I am open to alternative medicine, my insurance is not. The unfortunate reality is that if insurance won’t pay for it, I cannot do it. It sucks, because I’m very much willing to try it.

    • Tai chi is offered through recreation centers here so the cost is very low. Acupuncture is usually covered by insurance plans when provided by licensed practitioner. On to other options, have you tried a TENS unit or PCA?

      • I have my own personal TENS unit that I received this summer. It has definitely helped with my back pain. The biggest problem I am having right now is my joint pain.

        Thanks for the info on the acupuncture and everything

  4. Hi Jackie! I tried to send this privately, but facebook could not connect to send you the message. So sorry about the pain. I always feel like I can cope with everything else much better if my pain is under control. I posted about acupuncture, reiki, and tai chi. I have done all three. The acupuncture took the longest to work but it did help. Reiki only brought relief during the sessions. Tai chi is amazing for my MS.
    On a second note, I have told you all along that I wanted Mahler if you ever changed your mind. I know you have put training into him and I am willing to.pay you for that work. I hope you and he work it out, but if you don’t feel he is a good fit, I would like buy him from you. He would for very well into my home and my pups. I need his drives and work ethic for the long hours I work.and the frequent flying I am having to do now with the service dogs

  5. Oye. Hugs.

  6. I second the hugs. Also, I miss you and think about you a lot. I hope the pain subsides soon. And I feel your sadness at losing the puppies. That sucks.

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