Go ahead, push a button

I’ve been sitting on this post for the past three days, wondering how best to voice my feelings.  There never really is any good way, I don’t think.  I just kind of type, and the result is a purging of all the nasty feelings that I generally tend to harbor inside myself.

It is not hard to push my buttons.  I am a sensitive person.  Overly sensitive, many would say (though I do wonder how one comes to that conclusion, as there is no measure for sensitivity in the world).  When people push my buttons, there receive one of two responses.  Anger, or anxiety.  I have found that anxiety is the most common response when I am dealing with friends.

I take a lot of shit, whether it is in jest or mean spirited, because as I have mentioned before, I do not have it in me to verbally tell people to back off.  I used to, but was taught that if you ignore such things, they’ll stop (which is bullshit, by the way).  I have learned to be helpless, and while I could probably unlearn it, I get so anxious even thinking about standing up for myself for real, I can’t do it.

I can jokingly tell a friend to shut the fuck up.  I can’t say it and mean it.  It’s because saying such won’t just plague me for a few minutes or hours, or days.  I will remember it *forever*.  I won’t be able to let it go, and every time I remember that moment in my head, I will be set into a fit of twisting and twitching that would make Chubby Checker envious.

I hate it when I have uncontrollable tics in front of friends.  It’s embarrassing.  I feel blessed on the days it happens and I manage not to cry.  It’s a good day if the worst thing that results from such a flail fest is a bad headache

I am a nice person.  I know I’m a nice person.  I know I am too nice to people, and that’s why I get shit on so much.  I make a lot of choices that are often not in my best interest, because I get so tired of feeling sick on the inside.  I often end up feeling sick anyway, and wondering why people are so incredibly shitty,  I wonder why when I do something good for somebody, they tend to end up feeling like I owed them, when that was not the case at all.  I end up not keeping things that I had a right to, because I can’t, and don’t want to, deal with the fallout that their shit storm would bring.

So, to wrap it up, I am a pusillanimous brick wall that is chipped away, one piece at a time, by users.  That is probably my worst trait….that I let it keep happening.  I just don’t know any other way to be.

I can admit that for the most part, I’m pretty happy, and that the aforementioned part of me probably needs to change in order for me to be fully happy.  I’m just not entirely sure that it’s possible.

Or worth it.

Flail on,
 – Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on October 7, 2012.

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