Anxiety is a terrible thing

It’s 5 AM, and all my dogs are settled down for the night, and I am sitting on the floor in my living room, bawling why I type.  Why?  Because I suggested we move the dogs to the basement.

This is an illogical and irrational response to a logical and rational solution of cutting down the mud and whatnot going through the house.  It just comes with the season.  Fall rain equals fall MUD.  The basement is a perfectly safe place, easily cleaned up, it isn’t hazardous, and there is a door that leads right up into the yard, so the dogs can go straight out and come straight in without forcing us to have to mop constantly.

And my response to my own suggestion is to hyperventilate, cry, and end up with a headache so horrific I’ll see stars for a couple of hours.

This is what anxiety is.  It is painful, draining, and thus far, for me, it has been inescapable.  The mere thought of change, even a change I suggested, grips me with this horrible, primal fear, and it is hard to keep under control.

I often write while I’m having an attack, as it calms me down faster than just sitting around, where I can only work myself up further.

Anxiety rules many parts of my life, including being able to stand up for myself.  Particularly when I am rightfully owed something.  The mere thought of confrontation puts my hair on end, and my facial tics will kick into overdrive, my noise crinkling, eyebrows wrenched together, and lips puckered as though I’m sucking on a Lemonhead.  I often feel a catch in my throat, and as though there is an elephant sitting on my chest.

It’s terrifying and embarrassing.

It is so bad that in all honesty, if my feelings do not come out in writing….they do not come out.  I can’t get them out.  And if I do write them out, and even direct them to the person that does indeed owe me a debt, I so fear retribution that it will rend me physically ill.

I have had anxiety attacks about sending emails, even when I know I am in the right.  I’ve had attacks about receiving emails, and in the past, immediately deleted responses to mail I had sent, because I couldn’t handle what was inside.  I never knew if the messages contained good, bad, or neutral information.  It didn’t matter.  All I felt was fear.

My Tourette’s is physically crippling on many days, but being an emotional cripple hurts far, far worse.  My dreams, my real dreams, stay tucked away where nobody can ever find out about them, because I cannot deal with the judgment,  Though I share many thoughts here, others will never be written, because I do admit to having small bouts of paranoia (based on past experiences in my life).

It is probably time to attempt a dosage increase in my medication, and perhaps to ask for a mood stabilizer, as being so up and down all the time is just so incredibly taxing.

Don’t get me wrong, there are good moments in my life.  Very, very good moments.  But moments are fleeting.  I feel like a hummingbird feeder, and the moments are the fleet winged  little birds that are there just for a millisecond or two, indulging in sweet nectar, before they flit away again.

I am very tired of just having good moments.  I really need to have some good days.

I need to be able to say yes to a puppy offered to me, and to be able to get up during the day and not feel full of pep for 5 minutes, and then want to go lie back down again.  I need to be able to run with my dogs for longer than a few seconds at a time, and to lay tracks for them, and not fall on them because I can’t walk.

I really just need to be a little more towards normal.

At the end of the day, when I’ve had a bout of panic over something “small”…it is so much more than a simple dislike of change.  It is an outright, undeniable, uncontrollable fear of that change.

I don’t mind being unique.  I don’t mind sharing my stories.  My joys, my sorrows.  But as of late, I have had more sorrow to share than joy, because I am always so damn anxious, and I really….I really would just like a break from it all.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on September 5, 2012.

One Response to “Anxiety is a terrible thing”

  1. Anxiety SUCKS. I hate it.

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