Lazy freeloader?

Let me begin this post by stating that it is NOT a post that is meant to garner pity.  It is meant for me to be a bit introspective (and perhaps for you to be as well).  I have been walking around all day trying to figure out how to convey my currently feelings, and since I do not  have the energy for subtle nuances or flowery words today,I’m just going to do a mind dump.

I frequently feel that I have no value.  I know that others value me, but I find I do not value myself overly much, if at all.  I know why this is.  It’s because I am not happy with how I have turned out as an individual.

I frequently hear about how people on food stamps are lazy freeloaders, and no wiggle room is made for exceptions.  I am not a freeloader.  Nor is my husband.  What we are are two people who are in debt due to college loans, and are struggling to make ends meet.  My husband with his educations from a fancy school is working at a job that pays $10 an hour.

Please note, I am proud of my husband and the work he is doing.  He is not the issue.  The issue is that the pay is crappy and does not pay all the bills we have.

I am disabled, and cannot get work.  I keep applying for jobs, I call to follow up, and nobody gets back to me.  In two years, I have had ONE interview.  One.  They told me they would call me and let me know.  They never called, even though I left several messages (after waiting a few days).

Pretty fucking rude.

I refuse to be ashamed that I am on public assistance.  I WANT a job.  I NEED a job.  The problem is nobody will give me a job because I’m “a liability” and they have preconceived notions about what Tourette’s Syndrome is (subconscious or otherwise).  So it rightfully pisses me the fuck off when people insinuate I’m a lazy good for nothing piece of shit because I can’t “pay my own way”.

I have a wonderful, sweet, smart, talented sister who graduated from a good school.  She’s been out 3 years now I believe….she still has not landed a decent job.  Nothing she can live on.  She gets the same reason for rejection my husband gets every time they interview for positions that would pay money that could actually pay the bills and allow for comfortable living.

“Sorry, but we found somebody with more experience.”

Story of our lives.  Can’t get any experience because nobody will hire them.

Meanwhile, I am at home all day, taking care of dogs, willing myself not to go on a homicidal bender because I’m going stir crazy, am constantly paranoid about my husband realizing I’m more work than I’m worth, and want to be able to help financially, and can’t.

I have applied for disability, but there is no guarantee I’ll get it.  It is EXTREMELY hard to get on disability, and many people apply multiple times and never receive benefits.  You have to be practically dead to receive the benefits, which, quite frankly, seems to defeat the purpose.

People are disabled, but “not disabled enough”.  As long as SOME sort of work exists out there that a person can do, social security doesn’t consider them disabled.  Doesn’t matter if there are no openings anywhere, or that nobody will hire them, social security says they can suck on it.

I can suck on it.

I am so upset by this that there are no words, because I have doctors noting that I am disabled, I use a service dog to keep me from falling and severely hurting myself, I desperately want to find work and feel that I am useful, and worth SOMETHING, and everything stands in my way, and tells me that I am doomed.

I cannot handle sharp knives or hot items, so food service is out.  I feel I am capable of still working in a gas station.  All I need is the simple accommodation of a chair or stool, so I can sit when necessary.  I will not sit my whole shift, just when I am hurting or dizzy.  I still get my shit done.

They don’t want to make that accommodation.  I am a liability.  I could offend a customer with my random swearing, because that’s how TS works, you know.  Or I could fall and hurt myself, and the store could be in trouble for it (don’t know how that’s true at all, but that seems to be how they view it).

I have been told that I am a person with a great sense of humor and attitude when it comes to my health issues.  Maybe I am.  But I can feel that good humor and good attitude withering away inside of me.

I can tell myself I am worth something all I like, and that I can do anything.  But the reality is, I cannot do absolutely anything I like, and the rest of the world….seems to agree.

This good for nothing mooch will be remaining on public assistance for quite awhile.  You don’t like it?  Quit bitching and help a disabled person find some damn work.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that would love to be able to pay for food with money earned from my own job.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on July 12, 2012.

One Response to “Lazy freeloader?”

  1. Why not work at a place that would understand your disability a little more. Work at a small private practice doctors office. Be a receptionist. Answer phones, Schedule appointments, and work on a little organizing of the paperwork. At least a doctor will be more understanding of exactly whats wrong with you. Then Strauss can hang out under a desk and most people wouldn’t see him and would treat you totally normal.

    How about a Dentists office as a receptionist? My grandma worked at one for a really long time, that too would be a great atmosphere of understanding and provide you with chairs. Or maybe a Chiropractor.

    Maybe a telemarketer. Making sales calls, don’t have to go anywhere. How about data entry? If you are a fast typer you can do data entry. I used to do that back right when I got out of school. Super easy job.

    If not any of those, maybe you can learn how to make something to help sell on the sidelines for extra cash? Make dog collars? Pet Sit for people in the area.

    Maybe apply to one of the dog food or dog supply companies. Distributors for pet stores are pretty well off. If you can take orders from companies and play as a little salesman you might be able to make it in a place like that. I am only familiar with the companies in my area but I’m sure you have plenty and then some on the east coast.

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