The Chronicles of Shitty Internet

I have had SO many damn things to blog about, and have been completely unable to, as my internet has not worked properly AT ALL in the last month.  Between paying for a service I have not been receiving, and being extremely busy with dogs and doctor’s appointments, the blog has suffered, which does not make me happy.  When the blog suffers, I suffer, as this is my outlet for all the pain, and anxiousness, and frustration I feel every day.

Mahler has been making great strides in his training, and is an excellent ambassador in public, both for the German Shepherd Dog breed, and for service animals.  I will never be able to thank Mahler’s breeder enough for entrusting me with him.  He has been a great source of joy this last month and a half, and I cannot believe how much he’s grown.

Straussdog will be seeing a chiropractor, as he has been exhibiting some discomfort and overall stiffness as of late.  Though he is in excellent shape overall, it has finally become “excellent shape for his age” rather than just acknowledging his great physical fitness.  It is a sad and somber reminder that e is indeed aging.  I find, though, that he is aging with a dignity and nobility that we humans often fall short of, and it is something to be admired.

As for me, I have had a hard couple of weeks.  Depression has crept up upon me again, and tightened it’s dark noose about my neck.  I often feel as though I have only the tips of my toes resting on the chair beneath me, and that chair could topple any moment.  I have felt strangled by my perceived uselessness, and it weighs heavy on my heart.  I’ve retreated into my cavern, and started secluding myself from people again.  It is not intentional, it just happens.

I have an appointment with a neurologist in June (finally), but my doctors are now speculating that I may not have Tourette’s.  It may be Tourette’s + something else, or just something else entirely.  Due to the lack of studying my behavior as a child, and such a late diagnosis of TS< there is no rael promise that that is the disorder I have.  To think that there may be something else going on with me is daunting, and terrifying.

I was told at my last pain management appointment that my spine is actually straightening.  I have muscle spasms in my back so frequently that my spine is actually losing it’s shape.  Almost a reverse scoliosis.  Though it is not a severe impairment, and the straightening is only mild at present (“mild”) I do wonder how it will affect me as I age.  The spasms are prolonged, and gripping, and it kind of feels like my breath is being stolen away bit by bit.  It is unknown what causes them.

A new muscle relaxer and anti inflammatory have helped in terms of me getting rest, as they knock me the fuck out.  I still wake up in the night, but slightly less frequently.  I still hurt, but it is the tiniest bit more bearable.  I am still exhausted, if not a bit less so.

I am legitimately tired all the time, which often makes working dogs difficult, but I do it because I love it, and because it’s one of the very few things that still brings me joy.  It is something I need to continue doing for as long as possible, because I am petrified that soon I will not be able to do it anymore.

I fall more frequently, whether just standing, or walking.  I get dizzy when I bend over.  I cry, because I want to be able to do more with my life, and I feel it is being stolen from me.  I get upset, and angry, though I try to joke about it most of the time to keep myself from falling into the horrid abyss of knowledge that I am 26 years old, and I need help physically functioning.  I cherish being able to drive on my own, as I don’t know how much longer that will last, either.

I am still alive, and functioning (for now).  I apologize that the blog has been so spotty, but my husband and I will be taking on a new internet plan soon, and blogs will return as usual.

Thank you to those of you who have missed my blog, and thank you to those of you who continue to share my journey by sharing this blog.

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on May 3, 2012.

One Response to “The Chronicles of Shitty Internet”

  1. I also apologize for misusing it’s when I meant its. Ugh

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