So who is the Spazz?

One of the points of this blog is to help my readers understand what it’s like to live with Tourette’s syndrome.  Though the blog was originally meant to help teach others what Tourette’s IS, I personally have discovered that there really is a severe lack of information on the syndrome.

This is a problem.

I cannot teach about something I am not terribly familiar with myself (though I do try and share new information as I come across it).  Because of this, today’s focus is more on who I am and who I have become than the TS itself.

I am 26 years old, and I live in western Pennsylvania with my husband.  I’m relatively sure that the majority of you readers out there are personal friends of mine, and thus, you know who I am.  However, I do know I have a few readers who are not familiar with me, which gives me the opportunity to use a moniker I find clever and witty.  Classical Spazz.  I love it.

Why did I choose such a name?  I just like to play with words.  Classical Gas by Mason Williams is a favorite song of mine, and spazzing is what I do what I have a tic fit.  My body can’t stay quiet and has a freak fest.  I am also a pianist, and have been playing for over 2 decades (wow).  I thought Classical Spazz was more than fitting for me.

I have spent a lot of my life being angry.  Some of it for good reason, other bits, not so much, but I cannot say I am one of those people that regrets that time being angry.  I think it was necessary for me to be who I have become.   Anger was supposed to be a part of me, and so I was.  Some of that anger was misdirected, and that I most definitely regret, but I cannot find any feeling other than neutrality for the actual emotion itself.

Over the last few months, I have found something that I feel I can do.  A way I feel I can be useful.  I have a talent with dogs, it seems, and I am trying to use it to my advantage.  I used to have lofty dreams about what I would do with dogs, and though they are significantly diminished now, I am happy with where I am finally beginning (middling really…feels more like the middle than the beginning).

I have health insurance again, which means I can get the care I need so badly (pain management appointment on Friday!!!), and hopefully I can get some of my anxiety issues under control.  It feels good to be in control of my life, at least to some extent

There are multiple German Shepherds in my house right now, and not all of them are mine.  I let them all out to potty, and as 5 dogs swarmed around my legs as though they were black and tan bees, I had to stop amidst all that chaos to smile.  Seeing that kennel room full of dogs everyday makes me happy.  Even when the dogs are being rat bastards, I am happy to see them, and acknowledge that not only do I love them, but that they give me a sense of purpose I never thought I would have again.

So who is the Spazz?  She’s a woman that is headed down a path that should lead to a most fulfilling reward.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on March 8, 2012.

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