It’s too tiring

I know it has been a bad day when I want to blog, and my feelings are so incredibly negative that I cannot even figure out how to start the topic.

This blog is not meant to be a diary.  It is meant to be an open book for anybody to read that may be interested.  If I am asked a question, I answer it.  I touch on subject matter that is sensitive for me, and may or may not be for somebody else.  I try very hard to keep up with this blog, and it sincerely feels like the only thing I’ve been successful at thus far.

I hate the privatized health care system in America. Private companies will not insure me due to my pre-existing conditions.  So, how am I supposed to get health care?  Apply for government programs you say?  I have been, but they have their restrictions too.  And let’s not forget how those that aren’t in my position happily declare that I’m sponging off their tax dollars because I’m poor, and can’t afford insurance.

I have been busting my ass to make things better for myself and my family, and I have received practically no help from all the sources I’ve been directed to.  It seems I’m disabled, but not disabled enough to receive disability benefits.  Nobody will hire me to work for them, and the most glaring reason why is because of my Tourette’s.

I cannot hide my TS.  That is not an option.  I wish I could.  Maybe somebody would then at least have the decency to call me back after a job interview, when they told me they would.  And yeah, it’s real easy to say “Well then you didn’t want to work for them anyway,” but it’s bullshit.  I need a fucking job.

Nobody wants me.

I called OVC (Office of Vocational Counseling, aka Vocational Rehab) for help.  They will not help me find work because I am not under current care of a doctor.

You know why I’m not under current care of a doctor?  BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE GOD DAMN FUCKING INSURANCE!!!!!!!  I can’t AFFORD the testing and medical care I need, so I DON’T GET IT!  What the hell!?!?  I’m trying my BEST to make my life better, and there is no help!  I’m either too sick for help, or too healthy for help!

I am tired, and defeated, and tonight I came home from a class I went to, hugged my dogs, and cried.

I have been working so hard to put on a happy face, but it doesn’t work.  Things don’t get better.  I am so anxious all the time, I’m not sleeping right.  I can’t manage my Tourette’s, or my depression, or my anxiety.  I’m paranoid.  I’m disgusted that nobody will hire me to work, because I might swear at customers, because, you know, that’s ALL Tourette’s Syndrome is.  People loudly cussing out others at random.

I have talents that I don’t find particularly useful.  If they were, they’d be making me money.

They’re not.

They’re novel, but they’re not useful.

I have no business sense, and rejection is so disheartening, I can’t take it anymore.  It’s why I have not published any music or writing.

Why bother continuing on?  I’m 26 years old, and haven’t been successful in anything, and I don’t have years and years to work for it.  My body is failing, my finances are in ruins, and I have had more than I can take.

I’m done.  Hard work has gotten me nowhere but stuck in debt, and the TS prevents me from getting any sort of employment, because of prejudice more than anything.

It’s too tiring to keep trying.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz


~ by ClassicalSpazz on January 25, 2012.

5 Responses to “It’s too tiring”

  1. I don’t have any answers or solutions. It sounds really sucky, and I’m sorry you’re having to wrestle with this. *hug*

  2. Because if you quit, then who do I lean on when I’m broken and beaten down.

  3. I give up lots of things (and so does my husband), so the dogs can get what they need. They are never without food, veterinary care, or love, but it’s so hard right now.

    Strauss’s hematoma has returned for the 3rd time, and we’re looking at $250-300 to put an teat cannula in it, unless we decide to go for full surgery to heal it. Lord knows what that will cost.

    I need new glasses lenses in the worst way, and cannot afford them, and knowing that soon I may lose the last of my freedom and not be able to drive anymore? It’s not just daunting, it’s sickening.

    I shouldn’t need to rely on people to get around for my whole life, and it is beyond not fair. And anybody that tells me “life is not fair” I will happily smack in the face, because with life there should come a level of fairness, and security, and the lack of it is brutal, and crushing.

  4. Wait…I thought that insurance companies couldn’t deny people based on preexisting conditions anymore. Is that a part of the big old health care plan that hasn’t yet taken effect, or am I just wrong on this one?

  5. My understanding is basically “We’ll insure you, but not really”. What it comes down to is that I don’t get to have a yearly premium and continue my policy like everybody else. I would have to reapply for insurance EVERY year, and there’s no guarantees my rates would always be the same.

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