I swear I’m not a flake

My last entry was about the word “can’t”, and was also a light touch on recognizing your limitations, not just being “defeatist”.

Yesterday I drove 4.5 hours to meetup with somebody to discuss some very important goings on in my life.  The drive down was ok.  The drive back was absolutely horrific, and, to a degree, unexpected.

I have come to the realization that I can no longer do such long trips by myself, because my body shuts down, and it is dangerous for me to do so.  Both for myself, and for others.  It is crushing to have to admit such defeat, but I do.  It is also devastating to realize how much this affects me doing the things I love to do.

I wanted to go to schutzhund today with Mogwai and Lu.  I was unable to do so because I was in so much pain.  Schutzhund, regardless of which phases you’re training in (all, or just a couple), is an extreme time commitment, and one I am willing to give.  My body just disagrees.

I do not want to let anybody in our (future) club down.  I do not want to be a disappointment to them.  I do not want them to think I am not serious about the sport.  I AM, and I desperately want to learn more.  But if I do not have somebody to drive with me on days like this, it is absolutely impossible for me to go.  My health will not allow it.

And that hurts like the devil.  It feels like a million band-aids are being ripped off raw wounds all at once.

When I am at that club, I will do absolutely everything and anything I can to help.  I just hope people understand that when I make plans and then don’t follow through, it is because I can’t, not because I do not want to.  I try and schedule things the best I can so I don’t let anybody down, but there are days when I am not in control of my own body, and there’s nothing to be done about it.

My choices are to limp around at home, or try to keep a promise and end up hurting myself.

It super blows, but there’s no getting past it.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on January 22, 2012.

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