Please let me reiterate

How much I despise it when people tell me how I should feel, how I should respond to a stimulus/situation, and why others may have it worse than me.

I can walk.  Sort of.  Most of the time.  That makes me feel pretty ok.  But it does NOT make me feel pretty ok when people tell me that I should be grateful that I can walk at all.  Here’s an idea…how about you go jump off a bridge?  Just because other people may be wheelchair bound, it does not negate the fact that I get really pissy and frustrated that my legs don’t always work right.

Hell, maybe the wheelchair bound should be grateful!  At least they wake up everyday KNOWING their legs aren’t going to work.  I wake up every morning with this stupid hope that maybe I WON’T fall getting out of bed.  That perhaps I’ll  be able to have a normal trip through Walmart without my legs buckling!

Here’s another thought!  How about people DON’T tell me what is true or not true about myself, just because they are 1. Not around to see it going on and 2. It wasn’t occurring or has just started occurring since they saw me last?

People change, the tics change!

I don’t understand why I can run ok, but not walk.  I do not understand why sometimes I can stand around on my own just fine, and other times I need my dog to hold me up.

I do know that even when I run, my legs feel like lead, though they didn’t when I was younger.  I do know that my feet often drag when I run, and try as I might, I can’t always pick them up.  I do know that even while I’m running, and the occurrences of my falling are less, I still CAN fall at ANY time.  That is my risk to take.

Judge me for it all you want.  I know people will, and do, because they cannot reconcile how a person can barely walk, but running is not such a big issue.  Whatever.  Just don’t be an asshole about it.

J and I went to Walmart today, and while we were shopping, some hardware that was apparently loose on S’s harness fell off, and the brace handle I use was broken.  Not broken in half, but it did come apart, and thus, I couldn’t use the brace handle.

The weather has turned stupid humid, no idea why, and that really fucks with my TS, and I start twitching so badly in my face and neck that I get dizzy…hello falling over.  I did not realize how much I had been utilizing the brace handle (I only got the harness back in June), and without it, I wasn’t as steady as I would have liked to be.  I had to adjust myself, and how I was working my dog right on the spot….not always easy to do.

So, to go back to the point: Don’t tell me what I should be grateful for.  Don’t tell me how others have it worse than me.  Don’t tell me that I could have it worse.

I have no problem admitting that I do not give a crap about somebody else’s issue when I’m having a terrible day walking, nor do I feel bad for anybody else that’s got a handicap.  I help those that I can. disabled or not, and people do the same for me.  That’s common courtesy, but for fuck’s sake, back the hell off and quit telling me how I should feel.

My legs don’t work right, but my emotions are fine, and they’re mine to have.

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz

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~ by ClassicalSpazz on September 3, 2011.

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