What did you say?!

I said “Fuck fuck fuck, shit, damn it, shit shit, damn, fuck”…although you’re not really aware it has nothing to with you, and you’re only asking because I work so hard to curse so quietly.  So what happened exactly?  Well, I can’t rightly tell you to be honest.  Maybe I’m just a little stressed, or I thought of something that had previously embarrassed me.  That happens sometimes.  I really don’t know why it happens, but memories of situations that have previously caused embarrassment will bring up a stream of curses.

Each of my vocal tics, like any of my physical tics, has their own trigger.  Some of them (most of them) are amusing (read, hilarious).  Others are just plain embarrassing or obnoxious, though I find these days that the feeling of annoyance or embarrassment falls on those in my company, and not on myself.  I take great pains to try and rein in my noises, but it doesn’t always work.

I mentioned my “wheezing” tic in yesterday’s post.  My trigger for it is usually a silent space, particularly if it’s dark.  Much to my surprise, it really doesn’t happen in the bedroom, but if I go to a movie theater?  Let’s just say those that don’t know me are pretty sure that I’m having an asthma attack.  I’m not.  It just happens, and I’m just as clueless as the rest of you.

If I find myself feeling humiliated or nervous, I’ll quietly curse.  Sometimes I’ll get caught.  That’s ok, I have Tourette’s as my explanation (works really well when I curse aloud in polite company and it wasn’t a tic…they’re none the wiser).  For some odd reason, throwing about expletives as if they were candy on Halloween is a million times more acceptable than if you just have a dirty mouth (Oh heavens!).  I’ve got no problems with people that swear like sailors, but that’s probably because I married a Marine.

The aforementioned tics are probably my most obnoxious, and they’re the ones I work very hard to control.  The ones I don’t really care about would be the ones that result when I’m cold.  That’s right people…the bark and the growl.  If a room is too cold it sounds like a dog has been unleashed on a rabid jackal.

I remember the first time my friends Me & Mi (that looks hilarious all spelled out) heard me bark.  We were walking along outside in the cold Wisconsin winter, and all of a sudden I stopped, my arms flailed all akimbo, and I proclaimed with great enthusiasm “WURF!!”…and continued walking.  Mi stopped and stared at me and says “Did…did you just say “wurf?””.  I turned and nodded, and thought nothing of it as he and Me turned to look at each other, and in classical movie style, after about 5 seconds of staring at each other in disbelief, they started laughing.  Mi laughed so hard he fucking cried.

And I laughed too.

Seriously, why the hell wouldn’t I laugh?  It’s a funny damn tic!  I barked for crying out loud.  And what makes it even better for most people is that it’s so normal to me, I just keep on going.  I could be having a lovely discussion with an esteemed member of some secret society and out of nowhere *FLAIL* “WURF!” followed by “Isn’t this a lovely evening?”  I mean really, how could anybody prevent themselves from a few giggles (or a roaring guffaw)?  There are many reasons I don’t drink, and my TS is one of them.  Can you imagine how fabulously horrific it would be if I spazzed out with a glass of red wine in hand?  AMAZING!

Something I have learned growing up with Tourette’s, is that if you cannot laugh at a tic or two you will be overtaken by it.  I will never ever be able to  emphasize enough how important it is to brush off some of the laughing and realize that people aren’t trying to be rude, they’re just surprised.  I will always take a laugh over somebody exclaiming “What the hell is wrong with you?!” (although my response is “Just a little Tourette’s”, which usually results in the laugh I’d want in the first place).

So, pick a tic, have a laugh, and as always….

Flail on,
– Classical Spazz


~ by ClassicalSpazz on January 12, 2011.

2 Responses to “What did you say?!”

  1. You can admit it…you just really like Star Trek.

    …Worf is your favorite…

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